Catholic Men: “You just might be a CINO, if….”
Jeff Foxworthy is both a pretty funny guy and a pretty worthy guy (he does the American Bible Challenge). In the clip above, Jeff does his classic “You just might be a redneck, if…”
Author disclosure: While most wouldn’t notice, I’m a redneck myself in many ways.
There is an epidemic of Casual Catholic men in the Church, so much so that the Church is facing a grave “man-crisis.” Many Catholic men are CINOs: “Catholic in Name Only” (a new word, pronounced, “K-eye-no’s).
Building off Jeff’s schtick, it might be useful for “Catholic” men to consider this: “You just might be a CINO if….”
- You wear a dirty t-shirt and flip flops to Mass because God really doesn’t care what a man wears when he occasionally is forced to go to Mass by his girlfriend, wife or mother (by the way, you just might be a redneck, too).
- You don’t bring the car to a full stop as you drop your kids off at Wednesday night Confirmation Class.
- You don’t actually know the name of the priest of your parish that you don’t actually attend.
- You like to say that through your own contemplation of “deep thoughts” you’ve “evolved” and are now “Spiritual but not Religious”. You also like to lounge on the couch with Cheeto-fingers and beer-breath and contemplate beer and Viagra commercials in-between tough truck commercials during the game. Coincidence?
- You only go to Mass once a year at Christmas time because you prefer the “Little Baby Jesus.”
- You last said a Rosary when you had peach fuzz…and only because your mother or girlfriend had guilted you into it.
- Your most frequent spontaneous burst of prayer is during the 4th quarter of a close football game when your team is losing.
- You only bring up God’s name when you are damning somebody, like that jerk that cut you off yesterday.
- You last spoke to your children about Jesus when they were still in diapers and your wife forced you to do the bedtime prayers (Now I lay me down to sleep).
- The only prayer besides the Lord’s Prayer that you have memorized is “Now I lay me down to sleep…”
- You believe your sneaky pornography habit doesn’t really hurt anybody…except for you, of course, if your wife ever finds out; then it will be the Wife-pocolypse…and she will have a permanent headache.
- You think your kids, who are vastly more computer literate than you, have no idea what your particular taste in pornography is because you have been very careful. Chances are, they do actually know your predilections…and they are permenantly scarred.
- The last time you spoke with your closest Catholic buddies was in Mrs. Schnockenlocker’s 8th grade Catechism class.
- You like Pope “What’s his name.”
- You don’t particularly care for how the Eucharistic wafer tastes…but the wine ain’t bad.
- You just don’t get anything out of the Mass and don’t like some priest preaching at you.
- You are perfectly happy to let someone else pray for you, teach your kids the faith and give money to the parish, but absolutely hate it when the “pushy” priest asks you do show up for something.
- In any given week, you spend more on coffee, beer, cigars, McDonalds, Direct TV, car washes or contraceptives than you do on the parish offering.
- You are pretty sure that you’re “not too bad” and “kinda good” and that “good” is “good enough.”
- You don’t believe in Hell but are pretty darn sure about Heaven.
- You’ve burnt some brainpower answering questions on “Final Jeopardy” but haven’t given the ultimate Final Jeopardy of the Final Judgment a moment’s thought.
- Nothing in particular comes to mind to confess when an occasional burst of guilt makes you think about Confession…except that one time when (fill in the blank), but hey, that was a long time ago, and a long time ago is any time before last week. Besides, Jesus probably doesn’t remember that one.
- You can paraphrase 2 of the 10 commandments…sorta.
- You like the idea of being a Cafeteria Catholic for the same reason you like cafeterias in general: it is occasionally fun to go (unlike Mass and Confession which you avoid like Ebola), you don’t have to eat vegetables or salad or anything you don’t particularly like (for example, the Church’s teachings on abortion, contraception, homosexual “marriage”) and can gorge on all the meatloaf, tater tots and cream pie you can eat (only go to the “fun” Masses like Christmas and Easter), without having to spend much (don’t feel compelled to give time, talent or treasure to the parish).
- You are confident that you know your faith well enough to “dissent” from Church teachings you don’t like, the integrated teachings that the Church has prayed, agonized and defended for 2000 years, teachings originating in Jesus Christ and articulated through the presence of the Holy Spirit in the minds of the greatest thinkers and Saints that mankind has ever produced. But hey, you watched Oprah and Bill Maher and CNN and read some Time Magazine articles.
- Said differently, You are pretty darn sure you are smarter than the Church…despite the fact that you don’t really know what an encyclical is and have never owned a Catechism.
- You think that the “CCC” is a third rate version of the American Automobile Association.
Being a CINO is perhaps like Jesus’ comment on the “salt that has lost it’s saltiness”(Matt 5:13): it is no good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under foot.
Catholic Men: Don’t be CINOs, be a Committed Catholic Man.